Jahweh Murders the Innocents

The Fun Bible Story of
GOD KILLING CHILDREN FOR NO REASON

Don't make fun of Elisha or God will fuck you up

WARNING: MOST CHRISTIANS HAVE SENSE ENOUGH NOT TO TELL THESE STORIES TO CHILDREN...

...Most but not all. The Landover Baptist Church in Freehold, IA provides a low rent video to explicate the Elisha story to children*.

Elisha is a second rate prophet anyway

Visit Landover Baptist Church here.

* The Landover Baptist Church is a parody and clearly the product of a brilliant yet disturbed mind. However, the Elisha story in the Bible is not a parody and is found in Kings 24.

Jahweh Slays the Kids

FUN KID MURDER STORIES PROVIDE MORAL
GUIDANCE FOR PROBLEM CHILDREN

GOD KILLS 42 KIDS FOR MAKING FUN OF ELISHA (Kings 2:24). Elisha, who lived in Elija's shadow, had enough insecurities without having to deal with his lack of hair (he has to fill Elija's sandals when the latter has been taken up to heaven in a whirldwind. So when a bunch of youths make fun of his bald head, Elisha curses them. God accordinlgy sends two bears to maul them. The bears kill 42 of them - undoubtedly the 42 slowest runners. Elisha continues on to Mt. Carmel.

Here is a video put together by one of the ministers over at Landover Baptist Church.
GOD KILLS EVERY EGYPTIAN FIRST BORN (Exodus ).
The Passover story, which is the very foundation of the Jewish experience, features the death of all first born Egyptian children (otherwise know as the Tenth plaque). This story is also intertwined with the Jesus legend, in that he is sometimes represented as the Lamb of God sacrificed at the Passover feast.

The big moral challenge in Exodus lies in the text describing the Moses vs. Pharoah "let my people go" sequence. The problem is that God tells Moses in clear terms that Pharoah will NOT allow the Israelites to go, because God his own self will harden his heart. Since God is causing the heart hardening, it would appear that he is responsible for the ensuing plagues and death that follow. All of this, in order to (in his own words):

7:3 And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. (7:4, 13) "I will harden Pharaoh's heart."
7:4 But Pharaoh shall not hearken unto you, that I may lay my hand upon Egypt, and bring forth mine armies, and my people the children of Israel, out of the land of Egypt by great judgments.
7:5 And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I stretch forth mine hand upon Egypt, and bring out the children of Israel from among them.

More on this topic at Exodus Story.
GOD ORDERS JOSHUA TO SLAY ALL THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN OF JERICHO (Joshua 6)
"And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword."
According to the standards most people accept as moral, there is a cause and effect relatioship between crime and punishment. Generally, it is expected that a crime has been commited in order to justify punishment. In this and other Old Testament stories, the "crime" committed by the citizens of Jericho would appear to be inhabiting land that God had given to the Chosen People several hundred years previously (including the 400 years in Egypt when he "forgot").

If we decide to accept the "this land is mine" bit, we are still left to wonder what kind of diety choses to have the children massacred as well.

The debate as to the existence or non-existence of God is fairly common. Consider now extending this dialog into the realm of God's character. There is nothing except the fear borne of our previous conditioning to prevent us from considering whether or not God is simply an asshole.
HOPING THE BABYLONIAN CHILDREN WILL BE DASHED AGAINST THE ROCKK(Psalm 137)
This is the lovely, oft quoted poem by an exile during the Babylonian captivity. It turns a little dark toward the end:

137:1 By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion.
137:2 We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof.
137:3 For there they that carried us away captive required of us a song; and they that wasted us required of us mirth, saying, Sing us one of the songs of Zion.
137:4 How shall we sing the LORD's song in a strange land?
137:5 If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.
137:6 If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; if I prefer not Jerusalem above my chief joy.
137:7 Remember, O LORD, the children of Edom in the day of Jerusalem; who said, Rase it, rase it, even to the foundation thereof.
137:8 O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.
137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

In truth the whole poem is also a but disingenous. It wasn't the entire nation of the Israelites taken into captivity, but rather the wealthy families were taken as hostages to assure the good behavior of the remaining population. Further, the Jews did so well during this captivity that many chose not to return when the Persians allowed them to go.